June 14, 2011 Larry Waters

Secret US Snus Summit Confirmed

The SnusCIA has confirmed reports of a clandestine Snus Summit Meeting occurring later this week somewhere within the United States. Snus Ambassadors from around the US will be gathering at an undisclosed location somewhere between Los Angeles and New York. We have not been able to positively identify the host of this historic snus conclave. SnusCIA analysts suspect it to be Big International Tobacco although Halliburton has not been ruled out.

Three hours ago, an intercepted communication between two of the rumored attendees revealed a shocking fact: the agenda for this snus summit is being withheld from those participating until they arrive! The communications are incomplete but can only lead to this conclusion. The first asks “Have any idea what this <garbled….> meeting is about? I doubt they’re flying us all out just to say hello.” The response was “< garbled...... > Maybe they want to surprise us?“

One theory currently under consideration is that this Snus Summit is an FDA plot to discredit Swedish snus and the entire Tobacco Harm Reduction Movement. Worst case scenarios include the drugging of the participants and taking staged photographs and videos of them smoking cigarettes or applying nicotine patches to each other. Women in various forms of undress may be included.

In light of recent events concerning PACT Act author Rep. Anthony Weiner, compromising coerced tweets and Facebook posts have not been ruled out either.

It is even possible that Anti-All-Tobacco Extremists plan to lace the Snus Ambassador’s food with large doses of Chantix in hopes they will commit mass suicide. At this point, everything is speculation but the unknowns are too large to rule anything out.

Spokesmen for Swedish Snus Ambassador to the United States Larry Waters have refused to comment. Waters himself was earlier whisked away by his bodyguards to places unknown (the SnusCENTRAL Bunker is pretty big!).

Is this Snus Synod the beginning of a new age for real snus and tobacco harm reduction or an evil scheme to cripple the movement by irrational anti-tobacco extremists and tobacco tax hungry ideologues? It looks like we’ll only know for sure once this mystery snus symposium has concluded.

All we can do at this point is to pray for the safety of these brave Snus Warriors as they converge somewhere to discuss something….sometime later this week.

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR

The SnusCENTRAL Intelligence Agency
We’re as in the dark as you are on this one