Lidköping, Sweden: On Tuesday, September 27 2010 Grandma Unz, Chairman of the Board and majority shareholder of America's favorite Swedish snus store SnusCentral.com, died suddenly from causes as to yet undetermined. No succession plan was ever devised as Grandma was convinced she would never die. Her Last Will and Testament has also disappeared further complicating the issue of voting rights by members of the Board.
A hastily called SnusCentral.com Board of Directors meeting quickly disintegrated as the Unz family turned on each other in a fight for control of the centuries-old Unz Snus Dynasty. By late Tuesday night, a very new SnusCentral.com Snus Store had emerged; at least for the immediate future.
Moe Unz and Supporters Ousted
Accused of having no business skills including proper operation of a calculator, Moe Unz was blamed for destroying the profitability and future viability of the company. A separate investigation is also being launched into how much snus was diverted from the company for Moe Unz's personal use.
Despite impassioned pleas from Unz that "this is not my fault; I am not to blame!", he was immediately dismissed as Manager of SnusCentral.com. While it was initially reported that those supporting Moe Unz had been ousted from the Board of Directors as well, the SnusCIA has later determined that Moe really didn't have any supporters on the Board beyond the late Grandma Unz.
Free and Discounted Shipping Ends: Snus Prices to Rise
According to a SnusCentral.com senior manager speaking anonymously since he/she didn't want to lose their job like Moe, effective October 1st 2011, all shipping discounts and free shipping for volume snus orders will be discontinued. It is believed the 10% New Customer first order discount will remain but this has not yet been confirmed.
The pricing structure of SnusCentral.com will also change as of October 1st when an interim CFO and real accountants will be taking over managing the company's P&L. Depending how many rolls of unopened snus remain in former Manager Moe Unz's private snus chiller, retail prices are expected to rise October 1st as the new business plan is implemented. The September pricing and discounts will be honored for all existing orders being processed for shipment.
What Happens Next?
At this point, the SnusCIA is unable to advance any credible theories as to the future of SnusCentral.com and the Unzfamily. Police in Lidköping and the Swedish National Security Agency will not comment on the mysterious circumstances surrounding Grandma Unz's death as this is an ongoing investigation.
Moe Unz has lapsed into a coma after a night of excessive binge drinking, even by his standards. Doctors are unsure when or if Unz will recover. Since Unz lost his private health insurance upon being fired, he is currently undergoing treatment under the Swedish National Health Plan. As such, he is lying on a blanket in a hospital hallway until a doctor is available to see him. This is estimated to take between 6 to 8 weeks assuming he is still alive.
When contacted for comment by the SnusCIA hours ago, Larry Waters; Swedish Snus Ambassador to the United States, stated the following "Do you @#$% idiots have any idea what time it is in Texas?? It's 3AM, you #$%#$% !! I'm sleeping, for God's sake! Go away and don't EVER call me this early again unless Sweden is vaporized by solar flares or attacking alien zombies!"
Until October 1st, it is believed all pricing and discounts currently offered on SnusCentral.com will remain unchanged although we have been unable to confirm this officially. No further comments or information is expected in the foreseeable future at the request of police authorities.
The SnusCENTRAL Intelligence Agency
Telling you stuff we know and others don't