Wednesday, 15 April 2009 11:22

SnusCENTRAL.org "hosting" tobacco giant Swedish Match AB personnel

Written by SnusCENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY
Rate this item
(0 votes)

2Snus200x60SnusCENTRAL.org, the most comprehensive snus website on the planet,  revealed today that two high-ranking Swedish Match AB Officials have accepted sanctuary at the SnusCENTRAL Command Bunker which is located at an undisclosed location somewhere in the United States.  Swedish Match AB is the largest manufacturer of Swedish Snus in the world as well as being an industry leader in the manufacturing and distribution of cigars, American smokeless tobacco, pipe tobacco, and matches/lights.

 

Identified only as "Joakim" and "Markus", the two were part of a group of Swedish Match VIP's recently invited to visit The Famous SnusCENTRAL Command Bunker: location ClassifiedSnusCENTRAL.  Somehow, they became separated from the group and became lost in the depths of the SnusCENTRAL Command Bunker.  SnusCENTRAL Security found them huddled on the floor shivering.  After being treated for dehydration and lack of Swedish Snus, they discovered that their passports were missing.

Joakim and Markus were informed that, without passports, the Department of Homeland Security would consider them at best illegal aliens; at worst Snus Terrorists!

Unnamed SnusCENTRAL Officials offered the two sanctuary until their legal status in the United States could be sorted out.  Unfortunately, it would be too dangerous for either to call home to Sweden or even to the Swedish Ambassador to the United States since the National Security Agency could intercept the transmission and learn the location of the SnusCENTRAL Bunker.  Joakim and Markus learned that in today's political climate in America, they would be shot on site by Black Shirted Homeland Security Officers.

Homeland Security Anti-Snus BlackshirtsJoakim asked why this new fascist climate had never made the news in Sweden?  "Big American Tobacco controls the Government" they were told.  "All tobacco users live in constant fear of arrest and imprisonment.  Worse, if a mob of rabid anti-tobacco zealots discovered them, they would be publically torn to shreds!"

To their growing horror, they learned that if Altria or Reynolds got ahold of them, they would be tortured into revealing Swedish Match snus manufacturing and marketing secrets!

That Snus Guy, Snus Reviewer, was also in hiding at SnusCENTRAL from radicals in his homeland.  He advised Joakim and Markus to accept SnusCENTRAL's offer of Sanctuary or risk certain death.  The two immediately accepted and were shown to a luxurious brick holding cell furnished with two beds a lavatory, and a computer which could only connect with the main SnusCENTRAL.org website.

Larry Waters, the Founding Member of SnusCENTRAL.org informed them it could take quite some time to sort out the diplomatic issues and return them safely to Sweden.  In the meantime, they could pass their days responding to Member Questions on the newly created SnusCENTRAL Talk to Swedish Match section.  They were under no obligation to do so, of course.  But if theyMarkus waves a cheerful didn't they may find the only snus made available to them was......expired Camel SNUS!

Recoiling in terror, Joakim and Markus quickly agreed to respond to Member and Visitor questions concerning Swedish Match, Swedish Snus, American Snus, reduced harm tobacco, and Swedish Snus questions in general.

So beginning today, Snus Users, the Snus Curious, and anyone else is free to ask questions of two knowledgable members of the Swedish Match team.

In the meantime, SnusCIA Agents will provide security for the two.  Mr. Waters will pursue back-door diplomatic channels to resolve the legal status of the two Swedish now illegally in the United States.  He promised diligent action but warned Markus and Joakim that it could take some time to arrange their safe return to Sweden.

So take advantage of the embattled Swedes unfortunate situation and learn as much about Swedish Snus as you can while they are still in hiding.

 

SnusCENTRAL Media Contact: Classified: You must be a Member to Access the SnusCIA Section

Larry Waters

Email:  This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Swedish Match AB Media Contact:

Swedish Match Corporate Policy Prohibits Speaking to the Press in situations like this.

No Media Contacts are being made available.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read 2442 times Last modified on Tuesday, 10 December 2013 08:45

Leave a comment

Your Comments will be reviewed by our moderator. Thanks for your thoughts!

Login

Latest Member Snus Reviews

Skruf Greatness

Matt Campbell , Wednesday, March 23, 2016 I have has so many different Snus During my career of ...

Great snus!

Daniel M. , Sunday, January 24, 2016 Thunder Ultra Cool Mint white dry is a great snus. I bought...

This was a disappointment to me.

Bryon R. , Tuesday, October 27, 2015 Skruf Original Portion Snus is nothing to brag to mom about....

An awesome los snus

Justin S. , Tuesday, October 27, 2015 Röda Lacket Loose Snus is just awesome. In the loose ...

I love the smell of chocolate in the morning

Bryon R. , Tuesday, October 27, 2015 Ettan Original Portion snus absolutely billows a dark ...

It's like Ettan portion’s weird half-brother.

Bryon R. , Tuesday, October 27, 2015 This snus has a good quality tobacco and portion material ...

Smells EXACTLY as one would expect

Bryon R. , Tuesday, October 27, 2015 Probe Whisky loose snus smells of tobacco and whiskey. Its ...

Really good snus!

Chris M. , Saturday, August 22, 2015 General Snus is the only real snus I can buy in American ...

A staple snus for me

Larry Waters , Saturday, August 15, 2015 This XRANGE snus is essentially Göteborgs Rapé Large White...

This is a great snus!

Teri S. , Friday, August 14, 2015 Olde Ving Fudge portion had a very different snus flavor for...

Snus Central Twitter

Follow Larry Waters on Twitter!
You don't have to be a northerner to buy Snus at SnusCENTRAL.com - We ship to all 50 United States ... AND around the world (where legal)! Get snus from SnusCENTRAL !!!

Latest News from SnusCENTRAL

Snus User turns Pro: the Amazing Offroad Brandy Alexander Portion Snus Story

I don't often write snus reviews. It's not that I can't; it's just that my credo has… Read More...

US Cities Banning Wintergreen and Mint Smokeless Tobacco AND Snus

The calls for banning flavored nicotine-containing products has been primarily a long and… Read More...

Swedish Match pulls General Loose Snus from US Stores

General Loose (lös) Snus doesn't make the cut in US stores Based on consumer demand,… Read More...

Perfect Facebook Like Box Sidebar